The old fellow was being interviewed on his 100th birthday. "I'm proud to say I haven't an enemy in the whole world," he boasted.
"That's wonderful," said the young reporter.
"Sure is," the old man said with a smile. "Outlived every single one of them!"

***************

The church board asked the new pastor, "Is your wife outspoken?" The paster replied, "Not by anyone I've ever met."

***************

"Mom!" Junior yelled. "Come quick! There's a bear in our yard!" 
Out of breath and scared to death, Junior's mother looked out the window. "Junior, that's not a bear, that's Harold's dog. Now go to your room and ask God to forgive you for lying and scaring me so."
A few minutes later, Junior reappeared.
His mom asked, "Did you ask God to forgive you?"
"Yes and He said it was okay because the first time He saw Harold's dog, He thought it was a bear too."

                       ***************

"Dad," the little boy asked, "Is it true that married men live longer than single men?"
"No son. It just seems longer."
                      (OK ladies...I'm just picking)

***************

"Watch out for that preacher's convention," cautioned the older bellhop.
"Are they cheap?" asked the younger man.
"Let me put it this way," said the voice of experience. "Last year they showed up with the Ten Commandments in one hand and a ten-dollar bill in the other and when they left, they hadn't broken either."

****************

The old farmer sat rocking on the front porch as he talked to the stranger. "Been thirty years since I lost my wife in those woods."  "Oh I'm sorry. It must be hard to lose your wife like that"
"Hard?" the farmer snorted. "Was nearly impossible. She knew those woods like the back of her hand!"

                       ****************

A police officer pulls over a driver after watching his car travel recklessly down the road. "Do you realize that you just ran two traffic lights and three stop signs?" the officer asked. The driver shakes his head "no" and reaches over and whacks his dog. Confussed, the officer asks, "Why did you hit your dog?" The driver says, "My seeing eye dog must have fallen asleep."

****************

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I'm the man of this house and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied,  "The funeral director!"

                     ****************

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed they only ordered one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her. Then he poured half of the soda into the extra cup. The old man began to eat but his wife just sat watching with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs. The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years and everything has always been shared 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied....."It's his turn with the teeth."

                     ****************

You know you are in a hillbilly church if:
-the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchuse of a chanderlier because none of the members knows how to play one.
-during the study of Jesus feeding the 5000, the big question is whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
-a member request to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "he ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
-Baptism is referred to as "branding."
-the high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
-people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
-if the final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now ya hear!"

****************

One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!!"

****************

A pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.       
      They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."       
      When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."       
      The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.       
      The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"       
      The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"